Catching Up

Flowers make me happy! The orchid was purchased at my favorite store, Trader Joe's, because it doesn't cause my allergies to go on high alert. The tuber rose, below, brought back from Hawaii from my friend, however gives me a headache! I love them and rather than just tossing them into the trash I photographed them for posterity. How often has anyone brought me back flowers from Hawaii? Never!


I often find that I don't want to record any of the events that have caused despair, but if I don't then they buzz around my head until I unload them somewhere. I haven't kept this blog up for quite some time for a variety of reasons most of which I'd love to forget.
I have become an IPod junkie! Well maybe not completely but I do have two tiny shuffles. One has Neil Diamond music on it; his music saved my life in the 80's when I could barely get out of bed from CFS/FM while living in a cabin in the Big Sur area with my second husband who frankly I hoped would fall off of the planet. Apparently he has but I never got word when he passed away. Neither of us would move out of the cabin; I finally won and he moved on . . . Another decade passed before I was finally able to start digging myself out of the dark hole that had swallowed me up. When I was around 10 a woman intuitive doctor told my mother that I would have 3 difficult periods in my life where the health issues would be so severe that I'd be lucky to get through each day. Oddly enough she was right! There wasn't even a name for CFS or FM back in the late 50's early 60's, in fact I wasn't properly diagnosed until 1995 and by that time I was in such a funk that I finally gave up fighting and filed for disability which isn't a good for the morale. So, here we are in 2008 and Neil Diamond is once again getting me back on my feet. I love having his voice in my ear. The second IPod has Enya, Celtic Woman and Loreena McKennitt on it. The IPod shuffle is so tiny that I worry about misplacing them. I'm planning to make a case or box to keep them in. I have a feeling that a more expensive larger IPod is in my future, but right now these two are more than I need.

Stacy has had all of her appointments on the road to a kidney transplant and just as I expected we've run into a snafu with the last one. The urology clearance might just put an end to the brass ring! I can't say that I'd be any too happy about a scope entering my body and looking around my bladder but Stacy absolutely cannot deal with it. The urologist was shocked when Stacy became hysterical in the midst of the exam, so much so that he broke out in a sweat and stopped. But he did see, and so did I on the video monitor, scar tissue that most likely came from the 14 months she had a super-pubic catheter when she was 8 months old. The scar tissue needs to be taken care of by laser and then an extensive exam of her bladder has to be completed before Stacy will be considered for a transplant. We're both feeling dejected. But I wasn't prepared for how much I would be effected after the urologist dismissed us, "go home and I'll get back to you." What in the blazes does that mean. I tried to get an answer to that and he just shrugged and left the room. My understanding is that he's a very good doctor who will come up with a solution; it's been 8 days now and not one word from his office. We're definitely in limbo.

Mom has become even more of a worry! I talked her doctor into having an MRI done last month, which she doesn't remember having done, and when we got the results last week she didn't understand anything beyond, "The MRI showed atrophy consistent with someone her age," she dismissed, "and someone who is going through the memory loss and the other problems she's having." She insisted to the doctor that she can still drive and when he asked her how long it had been since she'd driven she of course had no idea. I said that it had been nearly 18 months. Happily he said, "I'm sure that your daughter will take you anywhere you need to go. Where is
it you'd like to go?" She had no idea, "If they'd let me drive I might be able to figure out where I'd like to go."
When we got home she said, "How does he know what my brain looks like? And, see, I'm just old so there's nothing wrong with me." I couldn't stand it! "Well you had an MRI and your brain is shrinking so yes, there is something wrong with your memory." The scene that followed left me so drained that I'm just now recovering from it. Alzheimer's is awful! In the midst of dealing with doctor appointments and tests for both Stacy and mom Riverside County decided to toss something else into the mix. I got a summons for jury duty. Part of me wanted to make a deal with them: take care of mom and Stacy, sit for 3 hours 3 times a week at dialysis and see to all of their needs and I'd be only to happy to take a break from my life and sit on a jury. Instead I wrote them about my care giving status and then received a letter informing that I needed proof of what mom and Stacy needed, a letter from their doctor would suffice. I wrote the letter, the doctor signed it and I haven't heard anything yet.
Mom now dresses in the wrong clothes, if it's hot she'll put on a sweatshirt and her best pants. If it's cool she'll wear a t-shirt. We had an altercation this morning when I told her it would be a good idea to change her pants and sweatshirt. She managed to find a short sleeve shirt, it is after all 80+ here, but she couldn't understand why I kept saying that she had on her good pants. She couldn't find any pants in her closet. With Neil Diamond in my ears I searched her room for pants. Why they were all on the floor in her closet under plastic bags is a mystery! Five pairs of pants only one of which needed to be laundered. She cried, "Have I become that crazy?" I told her she probably couldn't find a hanger to put them on. . . She comes in and out of the house from her casita so often that when I hear the front door open I cringe, there always seems to be something she needs in the way of losing the book she was reading, what day is it, what time is it, do we need to eat, are we going anywhere, what day is it, it's too hot in her room, too cold, is there anything she can help me with????? No wonder I love having the IPod in my ears. Yes, I know that I'll miss her terribly, but I already miss here! This woman isn't the mother that always helped me get through my days and was my best friend; a stranger has arrived who looks like mom . . . we've both been robbed of our last years together. The pain is often unbearable.

Hopefully, I'm getting a much needed break April 4-8th! My friend made reservations at the Bellagio and my daughter, her husband, and boys will be here with mom and Stacy. They all decided that I was heading for a padded cell if I didn't get out of here for a few days. If I didn't have a sense of humor, the art challenges, my friend, and finding a tidbit of happiness every day I would already be in that padded cell.

I never learned to swim when I was a kid, I'm so sun sensitive that I have to be covered up all of the time and it's a good thing that I look good in hats. Mom looks ridiculous in hats, so not everyone can wear hats! Anyway, there is a pool at the clubhouse that we pay dues for. My friend was a lifeguard and swimming instructor in his youth and was determined to get me into the pool. I finally ended up with workout shorts and a tank top; did I mention that I do bathing suits? I insisted that I needed an inner tube and being the gentleman that he is he even carries the bright blue thing to and from the pool; I guess he'd do anything to get me into the water. We discovered that if we get to the clubhouse just before 8pm we can get a key to the locker room and can swim until 10pm. Did I say swim? He swims and I paddle around with the inner tube around my middle, must be quite a sight, but I'm having a blast! I doubt that I'll ever truly swim, I just don't have the energy to keep kicking, but who cares? I always had a feeling that I'd love being in the water. My friend constantly gives me gifts like nightly swimming, breakfast out after we take mom and Stacy to dialysis, (I wonder how long mom will be able to continue sitting with Stacy during treatment?) planting and caring for the garden in the backyard and a myriad of other things.

To be continued . . .

Self Portrait

While photographing some dying palm trees last week I looked down and saw this rather odd shadow. Love the hat! I'm working on a portfolio of palm trees, after all I do live in the land-of-palm-trees. Isn't it a good thing that shadows aren't actually the same size we are?!?!

I'm beginning to think that I should have named this blog MIA. Every morning my first thoughts are about what I'll blog about and every night I become frustrated that I didn't find the energy or time to follow through.

I wrote on my other blog that we were going to Loma Linda for a five hours kidney transplant evaluation. They lied! It was over six hours of meetings and discussions with nurses, a doctor, coordinators, dietitian and financial people. The upshot is that the financial stuff is in place, phew! Medicines can run in the thousands each month and once a transplant occurs the meds need to be taken for the rest of ones life. The diet won't be as restrictive as the one Stacy has been on for the last 7 years, but I wasn't ready for how much weight she might gain from the anti-rejections meds so sugar intake needs to be closely monitored plus, one of the meds can cause diabetes if the sugar intake is too high! Yikes! But she'll be able to eat foods high in potassium like potatoes and tomatoes which I could live on! And she can drink more than 1/2 cup of liquid a day. A low salt, low sugar, and low fat diet seems to be in our future.
I think that Stacy's father was surprised to hear that a kidney transplant is just another way of living with renal failure and not a cure. Once your kidneys go life as you know it is pretty much over. He seemed to believe that she'd get a kidney and be free of doctors etc. Not so. The first three months after a transplant one is closely monitored for possible signs of rejection that most often occur if an infection is present. No visitors or leaving the house for 2 months! Fun! Directly after a transplant there are twice a week visits to the hospital, 2 hours away, then once a week, and finally once a month. At some point there is only a twice or once a year visit to the hospital. But monthly labs need to be taken by the local nephrologist who keeps tabs on BP, weight gain, and signs of diabetes along with a myriad of other things.
Stacy and I met with a transplant doctor whose main concern is that Stacy could go into a seizure induced coma and might miss her scheduled meds which could compromise the new kidney. After much discussion he decided that the likelihood of that happening very often is almost nil. The other concern is that her bladder no longer functions so one of the tests that is required it a miserable one to determine what percentage of her bladder still functions. Then there is lab work, heart tests, mammogram, pap smear and on and on. We thought we had the full list of tests that she needs but in the mail yesterday was a revised copy that sent me into hysterics! I had just about figured out how to make all of the appointments at Eisenhower Medical Center which is about 40 minutes away when the new list landed with a thud in the mailbox. The transplant team prefers that all of the tests are done at LLMC but gave us a break due to the driving distance. After I ranted and raved for awhile, which most likely stirred up the flu-like FM symptoms I've had since 9pm last night, a brilliant thought came out of the air. Phone the nurse coordinator at LLMC for help! We might end up going to LLMC for some of the tests, but at this juncture it might be a blessing!
I've already run into a couple of snafus making appointments. The orders weren't correctly written by the nurse at the dialysis clinic, no diagnosis on them, so those need to be redone before I can proceed scheduling the tests. And I haven't been able to find a dentist. I might have a GYN that will see Stacy. I have an appointment on Tuesday to see one so I'll ask.

In the meantime I've had some interesting days figuring out strategies for dealing with Alzheimer's. Mom has taken some falls, balance problems? and earlier this month decided one night that she needed to go somewhere. Fortunately, she couldn't figure out what to wear and came into the house and then into my bedroom to find out what to wear. The casita/guest room is detached from the house near the front door entrance. I had fallen asleep with the TV on so when she started talking I was as disoriented as she was. I quickly assessed what was going on, nothing she said made sense but I knew that what she was doing was very real to her and I needed to stay calm and talk her back into some sort of reality. That took some doing. It seems that she might have been asleep and woke up thinking that she was late and needed to get dressed even though it was dark outside. She had gotten her underwear on and then couldn't figure out the clothes situation. She kept repeating, "I was able to get my bra and panties on, but can't get dressed." She had pulled her robe on over her shoulders before coming into the house.
Quite a number of shirts were on her bed and pants were draped on a chair. She's always been tidy and still is so I wondered how long she'd been trying to get dressed. I got her tucked into bed and had her a drink a huge glass of water. From experience I know that she hallucinates and becomes more confused if she's dehydrated. She finally realized that needing to go somewhere wasn't reality nor was the fact that I'd taken a shower in her bathroom leaving the water running all night, nor had I turned on the TV with only the sound on. Voices had come out of the TV. Mom has a habit of pouring out the water I hand her to drink when I'm not looking. I practically stand over her now to make sure she drinks enough.
Because she's been falling and thought that she needed to go somewhere I've taken one more key off her keyring. The gate key is now in the house attached to a large antique one. Daily we go through, "Did you know that my house key no longer opens the gate?" I tell her that it's in the house so that we can all use it. "Okay." She's thought that going out each morning to pick up the newspaper from the driveway is her job. She doesn't read it much; I imagine that most of the news no longer makes sense to her, but old habits are deeply ingrained and hard to break. I can't help but wonder how long it will take before she stops thinking she needs to pick up the newspaper. The day before the night incident she'd opened the gate about every half hour looking for the newspaper that she'd brought into the house early in the morning. She had no memory of bringing it in. The gate was an expensive but obviously necessary thing to install. She can't get out without the key.

I sent for a free book, "Coach Broyles' Playbook for Alzheimer's Caregivers" that arrived yesterday via UPS. What a great gift! I can't recommend it highly enough. Fast read with lots of information, tips, and strategies. I knew that shadows worry mom but had no idea why, or why she shadows me so much in the evening. Shadowing has been known to drive me nuts!

I'm attempting to ignore the flu-like symptoms by working on two fabric paper quilts I've started. All week I've been looking forward to the weekend when there would be less distractions; I'm feeling a bit depressed over the FM flare-up. I just got over a cold that hung on for 3 weeks! I never get colds so my immune system must be worse than usual. I started physical therapy for my knees, arthritis, and occasionally the exercises cause an FM flare-up; can't win sometimes.

Sometimes the desert

doesn't look like a desert! Now that winter seems to have arrived the sun's relentless brutality is just a painful memory. No Parking signs made it nearly impossible to get these shots last week. I love the silhouettes of the palm trees against the sky. The bottom left photo, not a very good one from a moving car!, is of the entrance to the million dollar homes right next door to the complex I live in. The entrance took over a year to build and includes a horse and rider statue. Andalusia even sounds nicer than Trilogy! Who came up with the name Trilogy? All I can say though is that whenever anyone asks where I live they know where Trilogy is and how far out in the desert it is. And, most people say, "Oh that's a great place."
Woke to snow capped mountains Sunday morning; what a glorious sight. Two rainstorms in two weeks have caused a bit of stress in the garden, what doesn't? We also now know that gutters are needed for the roof along the front entrance to the house! I need a sign that says, Flood zone.

The results of the MRI done on my foot last week are: Plantar fascia fibromatosis which often requires surgery. Not! I don't do crutches and seeing how I'm the caregiver for mom and Stacy I don't have 3 weeks of down time available that is necessary for healing. So, the PFF will just have to go back to wherever it came from!! A bone spur on my other foot is bad enough, but with the right shoes it's doable.

I started physical therapy yesterday for me aching aging knees and weak hips. It was kinda fun, though I'm not one for exercise and it will take a lot of effort on my part to keep doing the exercises. At the end of the session I had 15 minutes of a TENS machine and ice packs. I nearly fell asleep, that's how comfortable I was. I felt pampered.

Have-labeler-will-travel! All of the remote controls in mom's room are now labeled according to their use. On Sunday she couldn't figure out how to get the sound turned down on the TV so it seems that if one remote doesn't do what she thinks it should then maybe the next one will work!! Everything ended up being turned on including, the VCR, the overhead fan and the CD player. She arrived in my bedroom looking like a crazed person and couldn't even talk, "Come," is all she could say. I followed her and she then she said, "The room is out of whack." You can say that again! It took some doing to figure out what she was trying to do. "The TV won't shut up," is what she finally said.
I don't know if the labels will work. She seems to have some odd way of thinking that I can't tap into. I guess that it's a part of Alzheimer's but it sure sucks!

Last week she phoned me at about 8pm and said, "come out here." I ran out to her room only to find that she was still on the phone telling me that she couldn't figure out a phone call she'd just had. I hung up the phone but it kept beeping at me. I have no idea what she had done, but the phone wouldn't stop beeping until I unplugged it and then plugged it back in. Anyway, my aunt and uncle had been in a car accident and mom couldn't figure out the details and insisted that my 92 year-old uncle had been driving. Nope, he hasn't driven in years. I phoned my aunt and got the details. A woman had plowed into them in the library parking lot because she thought my aunt might try and take the space she'd been waiting for. Of course the woman didn't have a drivers license or insurance. My uncle ended up with some scratches on his leg that needed stitches. Not clear how that happened, my aunt is 85 and pretty sharp, but when she's stressed it's difficult to figure out what she is saying. At least I got the picture which is something mom absolutely couldn't piece together.

A former neighbor from Huntington Beach phoned mom last night and all mom could tell me about the conversation was, "That woman who used to live next to us called and rambled on forever. I don't think anything was new or important so I didn't remember anything to tell you." Took me awhile to find out who "that woman" was.

And so it goes.

The yard at eight months

Do I have enough potted plants? The plant at the edge on the left is a tomato tree. Not really, but I've never had such a large tomato plant before. And yes, there are about a dozen green tomatoes on it. It's too hot during the summer to grow tomatoes and now I'm wondering how this plant is going to survive; the nights are getting down into the 40's. A woman at the nursery said she grows tomatoes on her patio during the winter months. This is only a small portion of the potted plants. The door leads into my bedroom.

New rocks in the garden! This corner was rather boring until a trip to Southwest Boulder turned up these soothing rocks. The large turquoise rock in the foreground cost as much as all of the rest of them did. The turquoise is natural. The 2 small companions were a gift from the guy showing us around the place. They have hairline cracks on them; so what! This area now feels meditative; I've been known to gaze at the rocks while contemplating . . .

My daughter's family

I don't know why I forget about this blog! This is where the non-art drivel should go. I'm listening to the Three Tenors Christmas on PBS. What voices! I almost believe that the Christmas is just around the corner.

My daughter, Corey and her guys were in Australia for Thanksgiving. Brad's cousin was married in Brisbane on the 17th. Corey looks so natural holding the koala bear; took me a moment to realize what she was holding.

More health stuff to deal with for the next two weeks. I have an irregular heart beat, I don't think that it's serious, but the cardiologist thought it would be a good idea if I have a stress test. I'm rather panicky about the whole thing! I have a hard enough time walking on pavement so I can't even imagine how I'll be able to manage a treadmill. The orthopedic doctor agreed that I do have arthritis in my knees and hips; I've been referred to a physical therapist for two sessions. The orthopedic doctor has no idea what the lump is on my arch so I had an MRI last Thursday for what he called a soft tissue mass. And so it goes . . .

Mom had a rough day. Couldn't figure out anything and couldn't explain what she needed me to help her with. She lost the TV remote that ended up under the blanket on her bed. I lose my remote in bed all of the time which she was happy to hear about. The heater controls are also the AC ones but seeing how she never figured out the AC the heater has her completely baffled. I must have gown out to the casita every hour to go through how to turn it on. I thought I had her settled in for the night when the door bell rang. She was standing there shaking her head, "The house is against me and out of whack." I have no idea what she meant, but I think that she felt that her room has conspired against her. This afternoon she took frozen bread out of the freezer for sandwiches and somehow decided that if she put it into the bread keeper it would thaw. Interesting idea.

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This post was originally on ExpressionStudio,
Nov. 22
This morning I woke up to mom screaming, "Gail, you're flooding the entire front yard, you'd better do something. Water is going under the house and everything is flooding."I should have known that mom didn't have a handle on what actually was going on. (How could I be flooding the front yard? I was innocently sleeping.) Once I assessed the disaster it was pretty bad and I had no idea what to do about it. Water was gushing out of a broken pipe, down the side of the house at the edge of the garage making a deep groove in the dirt and lawn pouring over the sidewalk and into the street. From the looks of the damage I'd guess that it had been flooding for quite some time. I have no idea where the shut-off valve is for the drip system so I called customer service and discovered that today is Thanksgiving! I had forgotten what day it is while I was wading around in mud and water. Fortunately, there is an emergency number and of course I reached a pager! The upshot is that after 15 more minutes of watching the loss of water pour down the street and the crevice become something akin to the Grand Canyon, not really, but I was beginning to wonder just how deep and wide the crevice was going to become I received a phone call. "The turn-off valve is under the green round cover near the sidewalk."Instant relief! It seems that a wet spot I'd noticed a few days ago was the beginning of a leak and the pipe to the front yard drip system decided to break today. Why not? I'm guessing that it will be fixed by the HOA in the next few days. This is just an example of what the last few weeks have been like.

One thing after another along with numerous medical appointments to attend to that are spilling over into next week. No end in sight.On Tuesday I was able to start on a project for Christmas that I hoped I could continue to work on yesterday. But hope died when mom came hobbling into the house from the casita using dad's cane. I said, "This doesn't look promising." Seems that mom's left hip had suddenly started giving her problems during night. Had she fallen? She couldn't remember. And so it went until I put her back to bed with Advil and a heating pad. (Today both hips are painful and she can barely walk. Now what?!) Wednesday is dialysis treatment day for my daughter, Stacy, so I needed to get ready to sit for three hours. Mom has been able to sit at the dialysis clinic three-days-a-week for the last 7 years and I've been wondering how much longer she would be able to do it. Is this the beginning of the end? And will I be able to leave mom at home alone for 4 hours? Help costs $20 an hour with a minimum of 4 hours, something I simply can't afford!Thirty minutes before it was time to leave mom had forgotten that she was staying home and valiantly started to get dressed. Her memory has nearly stopped recording information, so much so that she couldn't remember that we had decided she needed to stay home!We went shopping last Thursday because she needed new pants. She's gained a lot of weight; one of her meds seems to be the culprit along with her lack of any kind of exercise outside of walking from the casita, a few feet, to the house and out to the car and into the dialysis clinic! I can't convince her she needs to walk around the block with me. The excuses are endless! Yesterday, when she started to get ready to go to the clinic she was shocked to find new pants in her closet. She didn't remember the shopping trip which included lunch and buying two books at the bookstore. She had a near panic attack in the bookstore when she lost sight of me and, "There are too many books here. I have to get out of here now." She threw the books and her wallet on the counter looking like a wild woman. The greatest guy I've ever encountered at a cash register said, "Well dear lets figure this out." It was if he knew mom was panicky. He was older and I got the feeling he'd had experience with elderly people. I'm grateful for his understanding and help because I was beginning to feel panicky myself. At best shopping with FM isn't easy for me.

The weather is finally starting to dip into the 70's! Frost is expected this weekend! What? We just had blistering heat and now frost. What a strange terrain this desert valley is. I doubt I'll ever get used to it. But the vastness between the mountain ranges is calming to me. The first week of November we left the valley twice in 48 hours for an ambulatory EEG for Stacy. The medical center is is Loma Linda a 3 hour round trip that involves driving on the crazy semi-truck clogged interstate through a pass that separates the desert from the big cities! On the other side of the pass I instantly become claustrophobic and want to scream. Everything seems frenetic to me; I have to remember to breathe.At the medical center wires were glued onto Stacy's scalp that were plugged into a recording device that I learned how to use along with a video machine. At least two seizures were recorded during the 48 hours of the test.

The appointment with the neurologist when we find out the results isn't until Dec. 27th!This week is the start of the return of the "snow birds" to the desert and I've sure noticed the increase of traffic and longer lines in the stores. Last year I was oblivious to a lot of what was going on around me being that I was trying to find my way after an exhausting move of two households into one. Perhaps though I didn't notice the influx of people because I came from a fairly crowded tourist area but after spending the summer here when so many people leave to escape the intense heat it's more obvious to me this year. About 3 new shopping centers have been built during the year, but at least there wide open spaces between them. There aren't too many high-rise buildings in the desert and there are lots of country roads I can take to get to the shopping areas. All-in-all it's quieter and calmer here than it would have been living closer to my daughter, Corey, in the LA area. I'm thankful for that

Happy Birthday!

Well the old gal doesn't look too bad! I was going to do a collage over this self-portrait but my friend told me to "stop hiding behind masks." So, I'll alter the image another time. . .

Birthday gift!

Sometimes a little tweaking is necessary in order to achieve a particular "feeling" that a camera can't capture. Such was the case with this gorgeous Italian pot. This was one of those nearly impossible spots to photograph. The area is narrow with a sliding door on the left side and the edge of house on the right. The plant is a guava that we're told can grow as a bush in a pot. Until this plant and pot arrived last week I had no idea how much the wall needed this divine composition.

The mystery of the migraine-from-hell was solved when the wind started blowing early this afternoon. I couldn't figure out why a migraine struck last night but apparently the dust has been heading this way since late yesterday and only reached us a few hours ago. Dust/wind storms in the desert are awful! The outdoor umbrella took flight right after dinner and I almost flew away with it! It's now locked down in the garage along with the cushions for the patio chairs. I added more rock to the new vase pots and have my fingers crossed that nothing falls over and breaks.

Quotes: Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time. ~Jean Paul Richter
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. ~Jennifer Yane

Birthdays!

My birthday is on the 18Th and will be quietly celebrated. My friend won't be here; he's attending a prior engagement. Mom hasn't driven in a year and reminds me a few times a week that she hasn't. Alzheimer's! This morning she said, "I don't have anyway to get out and buy you something, not that I'd know what to get you anyway." My daughter, Corey, sent me a package via UPS so she and her family won't be here. And to be honest I'd just as well ignore the day of becoming another year older!My dad was alive when we celebrated Corey's 21st birthday; he passed away a few months after her marriage to a fabulous guy! Stacy still had thick brown hair; hair loss due to Renal Failure has robbed her of her gorgeous hair! It's much thinner now and she has grey streaks! Mom and I were both thin and much younger looking. Corey will be 37 this year! This is about the last year I allowed anyone to take photos of me and I now regret that! Photos are important.

Garden Art!

Just when we thought we had enough garden art we stumbled (109 degrees and humid) into Rustic Pots and found 7 pots waiting for us! Yikes! These two are now situated in the backyard and look like they've always been there. We have been searching for a pot or two to place directly inside of the front gate and we now have them along with two matching pots on either side of the front door with philodendrons in them, a vase pot at the corner of the house waiting for a dried arrangement of some kind and the sculptural ones in this pic.

The garden doesn't have that raw-just-planted look that it had in June and even though we've lost more plants than I care to think about the yard is absolutely beautiful! And happily the HOA finally signed off on it! We had a difference of opinion about the drip system but once we met them half way things worked out! The customer service rep came out last week for our 11 month inspection and complimented on us our yard, "I can honestly say that I haven't seen a yard as creative or nicely planted as this one. Who was your landscaper?" We beamed!

The yard at five months!

I absolutely cannot believe the growth of some of the plants; sadly many have succumbed to the intense heat and met an untimely demise! We're already making plans to replant and/or try different plants. Tomato seeds have been ordered because oddly enough Fall seems to be a good time to plant fast growing ones.
There is a bougainvillea on one wall that we've pruned about 3 times now. The vine started out as a small plant and has reached the top of wall twice now. We'd like it to be a bit fuller so it's been topped.

Cactus from my old hometown!

How can such an ordinary cactus sprout such a stupendous flower?! Sadly, the bloom only lasts one day. I used to have more than one specimen of this plant, but alas I was only able to bring one with me. At least it's flourishing as is the barrel cactus that I've had for over 25 years!

The plants in the backyard are wilting from the oppressive heat. Do I sound like I don't the heat? There is a glimpse of the barren brown mountains just above the rooftops. The Tipu tree is rapidly growing; I've already pruned it. (click on the photo for a clearer view of the yard)

This month has been filled with more doctor appointments than I thought possible and there are more on the horizon plus tests including a bone density test for mom and an EEG for Stacy. I even went to a dentist for a horrific toothache; the dentist wouldn't fill the cavity that had lost it's filling because of the FM!! He claims that he's concerned about my health and wants a doctors release before doing any work. Fortunately, a person on his staff recommended a doctor who I hear is great. I needed a new doctor so I'm attempting to see this as a good thing. The appointment is in 3 days.

My daughter, SIL, and grandsons were here last weekend. The boys spent two nights with me while their parents had some R&R. The trade-off (not that I need one seeing how I love having the boys visit!) was that my SIL put in some time on Sat. and again on Monday finishing up the drip system, or at least, improving it enough to be usable! I'm still fussing with the timer setting zones and times. Sounds like I know what I'm doing; wish that were true! We decided to add onto the bedding off to the right in the photo above, but we only got as far as picking up the 20 cement bricks for the retaining wall.

I've been trying to put in at least an hour every evening in the garden. It's amazing how much work a small yard is. I have a feeling that a lot of the plants I've put in won't survive the summer; this is a "learning year," albeit an expensive one! The bougainvillea vine I planted last night wilted today. The last vine I put in did the same thing for over a week, but the temps were in the 80's then not the high 90's. This vine had been sitting in it's pot for the last two months and I should have planted it sooner; I just wasn't up to digging a hole for it. It took two days to get the hole dug for the beautiful White Madonna Bougainvillea. I've opted for white flowers on most of the vines and oleanders which I hope will be the perfect backdrop for the more colorful perennials in the foreground. I keep mulching around the roots of the more fragile plants but they're already showing signs of sunburn or heatstroke! The tomato plants required an outdoor umbrella to shade them from the intense sun. The few tomatoes we've had at least are the best I've had since I stopped going to Farmer's Markets a few years ago. I'm determined to figure out how to grow them here!

New Gate!

Next Wednesday we'll have been here 7 months and we finally have the gate that mom has wanted since day one! I hope she feels safe now. The sun motif works well with the entrance. I woke up this morning to the sounds of the gate being installed. The day in between the gate installation and the sunset was a mere 103 degrees! The photo of the sunset was taken from our front yard. I used to be able to take some fabulous sunsets from the backyard but the neighbors have planted trees that now obstruct a clear shot.

Paper towel Collage

The palette for this work-in-progress collage consists of titan buff, dark brown, beige, and black. The paper is Viva paper towels. Cheap acrylic paint.

Well the mystery of the possessed fan has been solved! It required an exorcism! Who knew that a remote control needed to be re-programmed?!

It hit 98 today! Yikes! I purchased an outdoor ceiling fan for the patio. One more thing for my SIL to do next month. I've been "road-testing" outdoor furniture and can't find anything I like in the price range I'm willing to spend. We have two metal chairs but we brought with us, but they're short on comfort.

The Eye of the Camera

Camera lenses can pick up things that I can't discern until I look at the final image; which never fails to amaze me. For instance on the top right side of the succulent two chicks are now growing out of the main plant. A nice bonus! And even though the Kangaroo Paw blossom is nearly devoid of color after a week of sitting on my desk, the digital film still thought that the red existed as it had last week and chose to capture that rather than the dull grayish color.

The background paper on the left is a paper towel mono print. While I was painting paper towels to experiment with I blotted each towel with the one above. It's always exciting to see what will happen when I remember to do this.

I heeded the weather report that I heard Sunday night and had new tires put on the car yesterday rather than wait until I felt up to sitting for hours in the lobby of the tire store! It's supposed to be in the triple digits by Friday and for once I think that the report might accurate. A pleasant 82 yesterday and today it's 98! I had visions of a tire blowing out on the a long stretch of bumpy road between the house and the dialysis clinic; the salesman concurred, "This one is ready to blow and the other three aren't too far behind." I hate the smell that new rubber gives off making the two hour wait a rough one. Vertigo started striking followed by nausea and a pounding headache; FM is fraught with interesting symptoms of which chemical sensitivity is often one of them. I decided to make an excursion to the grocery store across the parking lot. I browsed the aisles looking at items I usually pass by while rushing to get in line at the check-out counter. Purchases: matches that we've needed for the last 6 months, cheesecloth and flour sacks to paint, an "original" feather duster, two clips to hold bags of chips closed and a bag of red potatoes. Oh and a donut as my reward for getting the new tires!

For the last four months road work is in the process of being done on two of the roads we travel on and the bumps are awful. I felt pretty confident driving home yesterday with new tires underneath me. "Can't you drive another way home? You're going to ruin the new tires." Mom has a way of saying just the 'right' thing. The direct route home is 10 minutes faster.

Into the mist!

Having Alzheimer's must seem like disappearing into the mist. This week has been fraught with episodes so numerous and different from past ones that I feel as I'm spinning out of control! I can't keep up with where mom's brain is taking her and when I'm fatigued it's even more difficult to figure out what is happening or what she wants. Her list of complaints and needs grows daily and if I acknowledge the complaints and say that I'm sorry she's having a rough time like freezing at the dialysis clinic then her mood shifts. If I say that I'll look into whatever she thinks she needs she either drops it completely or brings it up over and over until I do something about it.

Last Wednesday Stacy didn't sit in her usual chair from treatment. Mom sits in a folding chair next to Stacy (I run errands and tend to things for the 3 hours they are there). This treatment station is near the AC vent and you'd have thought mom was in the deepest part of Alaska. She was so bundled up by the time I got back that everyone was looking at me with question marks plastered on their faces. I smiled and said, "Perhaps Stacy can sit in her usual place from now on. Mom seems to freeze in that spot." Of course the rest of the day was a bust, "they" had ruined her day and she must have been punished for something. PARANOIA strikes again. Personally, I would have loved that spot seeing how I'm always hot. Mom seems to be either freezing or roasting; her thermostat must be way off.

There was the episode of the missing book that simply got up and walked off of her bed while she was in the bathroom. Seeing how this isn't the first book that has gone missing I assume that she either finished it before the bathroom visit and put it away, or she hadn't been reading at all. She can never remember what book it was . . .

The missing outdoor figurines didn't get a rise out of me. I was beyond being able to deal with anything yesterday afternoon when she announced that they were no where to be found. "Maybe you put them away," I said. I had spent hours and hours in the yard planting more perennials, staking vines, fertilizing, re-potting plants and cleaning off the patio. An attack of vertigo struck and I was on my bed. "You'll never guess where they were," she announced about 10 minutes later. "I have no idea how they got there but they were under the sink in the wet bar area." Mmmmm, so she must have been worried about them be stolen seeing how the gate we've ordered is now 2 weeks behind schedule. Most things she misplaces and then finds are blamed on the fact that the gate hasn't arrived so she needs to hide things. I wonder what she'll blame the missing items on once the gate is installed. Should be interesting.

The overhead fan seems to be possessed as it turns itself on. A remote control is required to turn it on . . . For three months we had the chocolate obsession where she announced daily that I must go and get her more Dove chocolate as she was running out. Six bags in one week?!?!? "Well I certainly don't have them so you must have thought you bought them for me." In self-protection I had stocked up with a dozen bags and when the announcement arrived early one morning followed by a note on my shopping list I handed her the dozen bags. "Well, I don't need that many!" Two days later she sheepishly told me that she had about 19 bags of chocolate and she couldn't figure out where they'd all come from. It seems that she'd been putting the bags in different places and not into her nearly empty candy drawer!!! Sheesh! At least she hadn't been eating all of that chocolate. I've stocked my hiding place again in readiness for the next "empty drawer" announcement.

She had to have a way of having ice water in her room. Maybe a small refrigerator? We've been through this about a dozen times. I walk out to the casita with her, "Where would you put it?" She looks at me like I'm some evil person. "Well, if my apartment were larger I could have one."

It took me three stores to find an insulated carafe that is fairly easy to open and happily the ice cubes fit into the narrow opening. I felt like I'd won the lottery! But last night, "If I had a freezer in my room I could have ice cream when I want it." We had a dish of chocolate ice cream for dessert.

This morning she couldn't find the bread for her toast. It's either in the bread keeper next to the toaster oven or in the freezer. It turns out the bread wasn't in either place. The loaf was on the second shelf from the top which was beyond her comprehension. I asked her if she'd like waffles. "Well, that would be better anyway. How am I supposed to remember where you keep the bread in your house if you keep moving it." This from a woman who was the best problem solver in the world!

Lots of other incidents but the most tedious one is that the chocolate necessity seems to have been replaced this week by the need to wash the sheets. "I haven't washed the sheets in weeks! Is it okay that I do them today?" Sure thing, I'll get the machine started. Five times this week already!

Four times today already we've had the possessed fan problem, plus, the gate delivery anger, plus the need to change the ice and water in the carafe. And then there is the magazine saga . . .

I'm beginning to wonder, not for the first time, whether I should shut done my ExpressionVillage yahoo group. I can't seem to keep things together enough to post anything of substance. Membership has once again dropped and I'm certain it's out of boredom.

Quote:

Be pleased with what life serves you

and you will be pleasantly surprised

by dessert.

Sally Huss

Loss

I posted a black-and-white version of the Kangaroo Paw yesterday on my other blog. I aimed my camera at the blossom again today; as the bloom loses more of its life I can't help but think about all of the loses that attack us daily. The loss of lives struck down by a deranged soul in VA who killed 32 people at Virginia Tech before killing himself. Why!?? The loss of the view of mountains in my backyard as neighbors plant more and more trees! I coveted the view! The loss of mom's memory as she struggles with the daily diminishing of brain cells. Today came into my room in tears. "I seem to be ready for the nut house! I put down a book and came back from the bathroom and the book was gone. I've looked everywhere."

This isn't the first time she's done that. I can only assume that she finished the book and put it away so I asked her if she'd finished the book. "If I did I sure don't remember the ending."

I recently read in a book about Alzheimer's that often people will think that had been in the midst of doing something but it was only an illusion. I hated to say, "Maybe you weren't even reading." I made her lunch because I could tell that she wasn't up to trying to figure out how to make a sandwich today. Actually, my brain is also rather fuzzy around the edges today but I thought it was due to a major allergy attack brought on by the latest windstorms. So, when I tried putting the chips into the refrigerator and mom caught it she had to laugh, "We're a pathetic bunch!" As Stacy would say, "Yep, you got that right."

The Importance of Shadows!

Having lived with a yard devoid of any plant life for six months I've come to realize how important shadows are to me! The first shadows to appear in the yard belonged to those of the two trees and now that there are vines planted against the brick walls and flowers in the mounded bedding area there are shadows everywhere! Shadows weren't evident most days on the foggy Monterey Peninsula, but here in the desert they're nearly a daily occurrence; I hope I don't take them for granted!

I've been mulling over this quote:

Had better treatments been available to

certain artists of the past, they might not

have found their inspiration.

Dr. Paul Wolf

On the cusp of despair and seeking lots of naps and DVD's the quote hit me hard! So, I picked up a paint brush, grabbed red, turquoise, and straw yellow paint and spent an hour splashing paint onto paper. Ahh! Much better!

The quote also reminded me of something a friend used to say to me, "Go to the beach and get sand in between your toes." It was his way of saying, "go and play." Life has become way to serious to suit me and maybe using primary colors is a way to once again become playful.

Gifts!

I'm on a quest for for daily gifts and this one came at the end of the day! Balmy evening with a silky breeze and a sky on fire!

Seeds of discouragement will not

grow in the thankful heart.

Anonymous

Planting soil!

Rather than drag in 200 or more bags of soil we opted to have compost/planting mix delivered! After all we were planning to mound areas behind the brick retaining wall! When the soil was dumped into the drive-way I wanted to shout STOP! I thought that half of the load was enough and it probably would have been.

I don't own a wheelbarrow, well I didn't, so off to Home Depot to find one that would fit into the car. Who knew that wheelbarrows were so large? My friend isn't at his best assembling things so I stayed clear during the assembling process. It's a nice black one and I'm told it works quite well. But by the third day that no longer mattered! The bedding area had about as much soil as it could hold and we still had a large pile in the drive-way. The HOA frowns on leaving things for long periods of time in the drive-way so we carted 50 wheelbarrows full of soil to the side of the house where the darn stuff may spend the next decade! I certainly won't need planting soil for a long time! We put plastic drop cloths down under the pile. I need to cover the mound of soil to prevent it from blowing all over the place during one of the epic windstorms that strike without warning.

The worst thing about the soil, outside of nearly killing my friend, is how allergenic it is! I spent the entire day on Sunday in bed sleeping in an attempt to get over the effects! When I have an FM flare-up one of the symptoms is feeling like I have the worst case of flu in the world. I had to climb out of bed yesterday to take Stacy to for dialysis and to run errands. We were low on the essentials like bread and vegetables. Happily, today is a stay-at-home day!!! Dialysis again tomorrow and Friday and on Thursday mom and Stacy have their monthly doctor appointment. The appointment is at 10:30 but we'll be lucky if see the doctor before noon! I think that he starts off each day running behind and never catches up!

Mom isn't having a good day! She once again looks very lost and keeps asking me when the front gate will be installed. Hopefully this week!! Stacy's BP is on the rise and vertigo seems to be the main symptom I have today . . . I'm also fighting depression, nothing new . . .

"You create your own universe as you go along."

Winston Churchill

Okay, so I know that I'm stuck in the muck of depression because of my thoughts and or reactions to the health issues that the 3 of us have, but getting unstuck seems insurmountable when the energy levels are residing on the bottom of some imaginary hole. I also know that I can change my thoughts in an instant by focusing on something beautiful. My friend just phoned from Jackson, WY. He described the snow on the Tetons and the breathtaking sunrise he captured on film! What a gift! My friend is always optimistic and finds enjoyment in the simple things; no wonder I've been crazy about him for 24 years! Why he puts up with me is beyond comprehension.

Six Months!

Celebrating our 6 month anniversary with a newly planted backyard!!!

When the flagstone, fill dirt, gravel and adobe soil cover were delivered on March 23rd excitement was in the air about the possibility of seeing something in the backyard besides dirt!! The stack of flagstone on the top left became the floor for the arbor and path down the side of the house. The poor fountain, top right, looked a bit bewildered on March 22 when it was delivered, but by Saturday the 31st (yep, it's in the same spot it was in the top photo!) it looked more like the feature I had hoped it would become. I've had the cement turtle for about a decade and it seems to be at home next to the rock fountain. We've planted water plants around the fountain in sealed pots and have our fingers crossed that they'll grow.

The tree, a Tipu, has lost some leaves and turned a little yellow. I had hoped I had seen the last of Home Depot for awhile but I made a trip there today for some B-1 and iron! The yard looks very raw at the moment and with the temps in the high 80's I'm constantly worried! Who needs more stress?!? Some plants have wilted quite a lot and I'm ever hopeful that they'll revive!

Tip: click on photos for a larger version.