The reason for the hiatus on this blog is twofold. To my delight and surprise I was invited by my youngest daughter and her husband to go to Cape Cod for 4 days in Sept. Not only was Cape Cod somewhere I had always envisioned seeing, but the opportunity of spending time with three of my favorite people was too good to pass up. Jack is at that great age, 3 and a half, when it doesn't take much to entertain him or bore him and happily he thought I was pretty good at entertaining him during the car part of the trip. The four of us had never traveled together and I found that I was a bit anxious about slowing down their usual vacation pace. My fears were unfounded. Once I was on the plane headed to Boston a lot of the syptoms I'd been struggling with for months seemed to have stayed home allowing me to take a vaction from them. The weather was outstanding with none the heat and humidity I had expected and the area proved to be everything I'd envisioned.
Then when I returned home word came that Stacy was going to have a much-needed hysterectomy on Oct. 4th. and suddenly I couldn't write one word in any of my journals! At a time when writing might have helped me through the rough days I was frozen. I also couldn't create visual art. I had no idea just how depressed and anxious I was and once the practice of journaling stoppped I couldn't get started again. All of my intentions to write about the vacation didn't come to fruition once the date for surgery was made. It's now weeks later and I'm just now getting some of my equilibrium back. Inthe last couple of days I've been able to put pen to paper again but not without a nagging sense of unfinished business. And then it occurred to me that if I just listed the events rather than fill in the details I could put those weeks behind me and start the practice of journaling again. I felt completely unbalanced during the weeks I wasn't journaling and at odds with myself and the world.
The list is in my private journal, but suffice it to say that the month before and after Stacy's surgery was extremely rocky. We came close to losing her a couple of days after the surgery. Morphine and renal failure aren't a good combination. She saw the surgeon yesterday who told her that she's doing remarkably well and has healed better than most of his patients do. She hasn't had anything for pain since the 5th day after the complete hysterectomy and didn't have what he refers to as the "after surgery shuffle" where most women walk into his office bent over, holding their stomachs and barely lifting their feet off of the ground. Stacy has a completely different outlook on pain than most people do. She doesn't expect to be in pain so mostly she dismisses the discomfort. Seizures, however, are a different matter! We had expected that she might not have as many once her periods stopped, but that doesn't seem to be the case. . . and so it goes.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Rocky Point and Other Musings
A favorite quote:
"I have been through some terrible things in my life-
some of which actually happened. "
Mark Twain
A visitor to this blog commented that I sound like I'm always whinning or worried about something and that she wouldn't be returning because she didn't want to read anything that was so depressing. I chewed on that for awhile and nearly deleted most, it not, all of the entries and then it occurred to me that perhaps I should clarify why I write here.
First off, no one needs to read this blog and secondly if I don't write about some of the challenges in my life then I carry them with me from one day to the next. And while it may seem that all I report about are the crises from a "poor-me-state-of-mind" I've never felt that my life is anything other than what it is. A life that only I can live and no matter how rocky it is at times I don't pine for something other than what it is. Acceptance, comes to mind. Acceptance in that this is what my life is during this visit here on Earth.
I have deep Spiritual Beliefs that are personal to the degree that I rarely ever talk about them. I don't feel that what I believe to be true is anyone's business but my own. Yes, I am overwhelmed at times by the challenges, especially when they seem to continue to repeat themselves like a broken record. (What would we do without cliches?!) And yes, life often comes to a standstill when yet another challenge grabs a hold of those around me. Lessons aren't all easily learned.
It's said that God is in the details and I believe that to be true even when the details are a jumbled mess of one challenge after another. I read something recently that has a great affect on me: Samantha Runnion was taken from her grandmother's home in 2002 and while her mother, Erin, was out looking for her she heard a voice shouting, "This isn't about you--nothing's happening to you--Samantha's the one who is in pain and afraid--get up and find her." Tragically, Samantha's body was found and the grieving started. Or, was it tragic? Erin has started Samantha's PRIDE, so perhaps that was Samantha's purpose for such a short life.
I have been grieving about Stacy for nearly 38 years and the process has been a long and often pain filled one, but when I remember that what she is going through is about her and not about me then I'm able to better handle the daily challenges. I have always felt a deep spiritual connection between Stacy and myself, but that is private and something I'm not ready to write about on a blog.
So, at this Point in my life this is where I am at; things are Rocky but there is also joy and days full of art and creative people that the internet has brought into my life. And I truly believe that heal with each other's stories.
"I have been through some terrible things in my life-
some of which actually happened. "
Mark Twain
A visitor to this blog commented that I sound like I'm always whinning or worried about something and that she wouldn't be returning because she didn't want to read anything that was so depressing. I chewed on that for awhile and nearly deleted most, it not, all of the entries and then it occurred to me that perhaps I should clarify why I write here.
First off, no one needs to read this blog and secondly if I don't write about some of the challenges in my life then I carry them with me from one day to the next. And while it may seem that all I report about are the crises from a "poor-me-state-of-mind" I've never felt that my life is anything other than what it is. A life that only I can live and no matter how rocky it is at times I don't pine for something other than what it is. Acceptance, comes to mind. Acceptance in that this is what my life is during this visit here on Earth.
I have deep Spiritual Beliefs that are personal to the degree that I rarely ever talk about them. I don't feel that what I believe to be true is anyone's business but my own. Yes, I am overwhelmed at times by the challenges, especially when they seem to continue to repeat themselves like a broken record. (What would we do without cliches?!) And yes, life often comes to a standstill when yet another challenge grabs a hold of those around me. Lessons aren't all easily learned.
It's said that God is in the details and I believe that to be true even when the details are a jumbled mess of one challenge after another. I read something recently that has a great affect on me: Samantha Runnion was taken from her grandmother's home in 2002 and while her mother, Erin, was out looking for her she heard a voice shouting, "This isn't about you--nothing's happening to you--Samantha's the one who is in pain and afraid--get up and find her." Tragically, Samantha's body was found and the grieving started. Or, was it tragic? Erin has started Samantha's PRIDE, so perhaps that was Samantha's purpose for such a short life.
I have been grieving about Stacy for nearly 38 years and the process has been a long and often pain filled one, but when I remember that what she is going through is about her and not about me then I'm able to better handle the daily challenges. I have always felt a deep spiritual connection between Stacy and myself, but that is private and something I'm not ready to write about on a blog.
So, at this Point in my life this is where I am at; things are Rocky but there is also joy and days full of art and creative people that the internet has brought into my life. And I truly believe that heal with each other's stories.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Question Everything!
I should make a sign that says, "Question Everything" because it wasn't until yesterday driving home from the dialysis clinic that I realized why I feel so rotten!! I'm once again anemic! I've had chronic anemia for the last 30 some years so you'd think that I'd know the signs, but I imagine that the stress over the last few months led me to believe I was just exhausted and having an FM flare-up. When the anemia is factored in I become so slug-like that I can't even crawl out of bed and taking a shower is even difficult. I wish that I had caught on sooner because it takes me awhile to respond to the iron supplement that I'm prescribed. Six months ago my blood levels were finally in a good place after being on the prescription for two years so I was only on a maintenance program. I should have known better! Now I'm paying a high price for once again believing that a doctor could be correct in telling me that I would continue to improve. One step forward, two backward!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Six Days Later
Stacy and I were so optimistic last weekend when she felt better than she had in months, but things started crashing on July 4th when she had a small seizure. She's had three more since then along with a migraine and the nausea/vomiting that goes along with it. Her health issues along with not being to finish any of my numerous projects has proved to once again put me into the overwhelmed mode and I woke this morning with a migraine-from-hell. We make a sad pair!
Last Sunday Stacy woke me with, "Mommeeee, I'm leaking!" Two of the four gauze dressings on her chest were indeed leaking. We've been through a lot together but I nearly fainted when I removed the bandages and did the best I could to repack the areas around both the removed and new catheter sites! I ended up kneeling on the floor in front of her and kept putting my head down hoping that I wouldn't faint, but at least if I did I was already on the floor! She kept asking me if I was okay, "Fine, I'm just trying to figure out how to do this." Yeah, right! I barely got the last bit of tape on, stumbled to her bed and collapsed. Yesterday I got the Mommmeeeee signal again; it's the tone of the mommeee that always tells me that something isn't right. This time I only broke out into a sweat when I changed the dressings! We see the surgeon on Tuesday, the first appointment I could get for her! I think that the drain in the removed catheter site has been in a little too long, but I'm certainly not messing with it.
Since July 1, the night Stacy got home from the hospital, she's made the couch her command post. Being that she isn't sleeping in her bed I now have one more place to stack projects on! I'm in the process of making a fabric journal and her bed is the perfect place to cut the fabric pieces. Why put the fabric away? I was looking through boxes of photographs yesterday and those too are now on her bed.
Before we moved into this tiny duplex in 1985 we lived in a cabin in the Big Sur area, Palo Colorado Canyon, and my bed was in the living room. When we moved into this one bedroom place I ended up once again with my bed in the living room. After Corey left home I did consider moving into the bedroom, but it's crammed full of wall-to-wall furniture and I couldn't figure out how to re-arrange the house.
Often for a few nights after a hospitalization Stacy will sleep on the couch a few feet from my bed. Once she becomes tired of not having control of the TV remote she leaves the couch for her own double bed and TV. This time she says she's going to stay on the couch forever! Can't say that I mind having her close by what with her seizures and dizzy spells.
It's now 2:30 and I haven't made my bed, why bother this late in the day? So here we are with two messy beds in the living room and pounding heads! But at least the sun is shining!
Last Sunday Stacy woke me with, "Mommeeee, I'm leaking!" Two of the four gauze dressings on her chest were indeed leaking. We've been through a lot together but I nearly fainted when I removed the bandages and did the best I could to repack the areas around both the removed and new catheter sites! I ended up kneeling on the floor in front of her and kept putting my head down hoping that I wouldn't faint, but at least if I did I was already on the floor! She kept asking me if I was okay, "Fine, I'm just trying to figure out how to do this." Yeah, right! I barely got the last bit of tape on, stumbled to her bed and collapsed. Yesterday I got the Mommmeeeee signal again; it's the tone of the mommeee that always tells me that something isn't right. This time I only broke out into a sweat when I changed the dressings! We see the surgeon on Tuesday, the first appointment I could get for her! I think that the drain in the removed catheter site has been in a little too long, but I'm certainly not messing with it.
Since July 1, the night Stacy got home from the hospital, she's made the couch her command post. Being that she isn't sleeping in her bed I now have one more place to stack projects on! I'm in the process of making a fabric journal and her bed is the perfect place to cut the fabric pieces. Why put the fabric away? I was looking through boxes of photographs yesterday and those too are now on her bed.
Before we moved into this tiny duplex in 1985 we lived in a cabin in the Big Sur area, Palo Colorado Canyon, and my bed was in the living room. When we moved into this one bedroom place I ended up once again with my bed in the living room. After Corey left home I did consider moving into the bedroom, but it's crammed full of wall-to-wall furniture and I couldn't figure out how to re-arrange the house.
Often for a few nights after a hospitalization Stacy will sleep on the couch a few feet from my bed. Once she becomes tired of not having control of the TV remote she leaves the couch for her own double bed and TV. This time she says she's going to stay on the couch forever! Can't say that I mind having her close by what with her seizures and dizzy spells.
It's now 2:30 and I haven't made my bed, why bother this late in the day? So here we are with two messy beds in the living room and pounding heads! But at least the sun is shining!
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