4 Luck!

4 Luck! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The background on this ATC has more layers than I usually paint. I wanted texture amongst the shades of green and I think I achieved that! The clover is aluminum painted green and punched out. The "4" is my favorite-rubber-stamp-of-moment number set! Can't remember where I purchased it; online somewhere.

Finally, something good happened! After numerous phone calls and jumping through hoops I was able to get my prescription yesterday without a hefty price tag attached to it! I feel like I won the lottery!

We so seldom see snow on the Monterey Peninsula that the dusting of it on the hills is enough to almost make living where it snows desirable. "Almost" being the operative word because the cold temps that we're having lately is probably the culprit of the awful pain and fibro flare-up that I can't seem to get out from under! Though, I've been in a creative frenzy that came to a halt Sunday night when I cleaned up the projects and readied ATC's and journals for mailing. Yesterday was a day full of errands, so many of them that by the time I got home I was in tears! After dinner I was too exhausted to read or sleep and of course TV had the usual unbelievably awful offerings! Nothing on HBO either! I'm not much better today so it's a good thing that the only thing on the calender is waiting for a Sears repair person to arrive. The ice-maker is on the fritz which has happened before after I've changed the water filter. There seems to always be something that requires attending.

Shucks! The hospital caught up with Stacy's billing for the meals I had during a few of her hospitalizations last year. $63 worth of them. Guess a $9 dinner isn't too bad seeing how the statement was for $48,000 and that isn't even for all of the months. Her bills run around $150,000 a year! Thank God for Ins.!!!! End Stage Renal Failure is one of the more expensive health issues . . .

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From Susan Cantrell's site upon receiving a rejection: "Then I took my introspection, or Mental Pause ™ if you will, a little further: I am a very private person. If I gave you my phone number it was probably for one time use, after which I want you to shred it. I revile intrusions into my inner sanctum. So imagine a celebrity and how they might feel. Also, they are entitled to bad hair days."

I pretty much feel the same way and find that most days I have a hard time with intrusions. But today when a former neighbor dropped by for a few minutes I was absolutely thrilled! She now lives in WA and lost her husband in August. She had her new friend with her and was showing him her old stomping ground. I did have a bit of prior notice that she'd be in the area and I "hinted" that Tuesday would be good day. I had the house fairly well picked up and even put on makeup! She practically always walks in with gifts and today was no exception. Stacy now has an adorable stuffed bunny for her collection and I have a turtle with a brush on his back that scraps mud off the bottom of shoes! Very cool!

Missing You!

1953 - Carmel Beach. Happy 88th Dad! Were we ever that young?

March is always a difficult month, or at least it has been for the last 6 years! Dad passed on the 22nd in 2000, Stacy nearly died a few years ago in March, I nearly waited too long for gallbladder surgery and 2 years ago my daughter lost a baby in her 8th month. Other things have happened in March but at least my daughter gave birth to a healthy boy a month ago! Mom is facing housing displacement this year following a recent discovery about structure damage due to inferior building materials! And so it goes . . .

Upsets

My fingers were hovering over the keyboard while I was struggling with a title for this entry and then one word came to mind, "upsets." Turning to my trusty dictionary I discovered that "upsets" is the perfect word to use. Meaning: to disturb mentally or emotionally, distress: a nervous, irritable state of mind.

The last seven days have been packed full of upsetting things so much so that I'm more irritable than usual! I should be wearing a beware sign, "back off!" which is what I seem to be telling everyone who has too many suggestions about how to solve things that aren't as easy to fix as the lame suggestions I've been receiving prove. (very awkward sentence, but the thought is there.)

Two more patients at the dialysis clinic have died in the last few days! One of them, a very sweet woman, was taken out of the clinic last Monday in an ambulance and mom said that she was sobbing hysterically. She died that night! And a man we didn't know very well died two days later. And then the man who has the treatment chair before Stacy does has been in the ICU for over a week now . . . It's a tragic upsetting place to go to three times a week!

A cat adopted us a few months ago, much to my dismay, and now seems to be dying and I couldn't get the animal control to come out to pick him up on Friday! It seems that the poor things needs to die before they'll come out due to cut-backs and other things I couldn't figure out what the police dispatcher was trying to tell me! I was sobbing! The cat had belonged to a former neighbor who left him behind when she moved to Texas. I never had much regard for her and I was right, she's a very uncaring kind of person! He was very vital and healthy looking at first but then he lost so much weight that I took pity on him, bad idea, and started feeding him. Then the gal who helps us around the house, couty paid, found him a carrier/cage at the SPCA Thrift shop and pleaded with them to donate it and they did! The price tag said $20; very nice gesture. So at least the poor thing can get out of the rain, but I've been afraid that he'll freeze to death. We've had some nights of frost in the last month. I can't allow him indoors because I have no idea what his health problems are and I couldn't find a vet who would check him out for free! Our two cats rarely go to the vet . . .

And then there is the Medicare Ins. prescription program that sucks! Happily Stacy's meds are still covered because she takes so many of them we'd never be able to afford them; I do however now pay a small fee
for a few of them and I'm wondering when they'll decide that she doesn't need them!! That is what happened to one of mine, "there is a similar over the counter one so we won't cover that one," I was told. Similar as in how? "Same kind of dosage." As I've tried the over the counter ones without success I became instantly livid with rage, but then decided to do an experiment. I put away about 2 weeks worth of the prescription and started taking the over the counter kind. I'm shocked that it only took me less than 3 weeks to lose what it took me
over 3 years to gain! How can I possibly feel this bad and not be able to get out of bed or leave the house without nearly fainting in such a short time? Plus my brain cells are on vacation and even though that occasionally happens, I haven't been this confused in a very long time. Upset?! You betcha! I started taking the reserved medicine again Thursday night and so far I'm not much better, but as least I know that I cannot be without the prescription not that that will help me win with the Ins. company! Because of the FMS I've had my entire life I have an absorption problem that was explained to the Ins. company, but the response was, "Sorry, but the dosage is comparable and that's what how we determine the need." The prescription isn't affordable on my lowly disability income . . .

It feels like Spring!

Plum tree - first blooms. The plum tree in the front yard never lets me down! It blooms beutifully every year and this year is no exception! The pink blossoms remind me that Spring is just around the corner.


A photographer once told me that he liked to always have something cut off a corner at either the right or left side. It was his way of saying phooey to the "composition police." So in honor of him I left the bottom branch alone rather than digitally removing it. I think it adds character anyway!

Brothers

Matthew 8 days old. Big brother Jack is 4.

The Boys!

Jack, on the left, was born Jan. 3, 2002 weighing in at 5lbs. 8 oz.
Matthew, on the right, was born Jan. 27, 2006 weighing in at 8lbs. 1 oz. What a difference a few pounds makes!

Goodbye sweet Chaylce

While I was helping out after the birth of Matthew I got word that another patient at the dialysis clinic had died. Not unexpected, but never-the-less a difficult one to hear about! Chaylce was only 49 on Jan. 28th when she let go of her life. Sandra, our house-helper, told me yesterday that many church members had donated funds to Chaylce's daughters school fund.

I arrived back home on Tuesday night, the 7th, at 8pm to find Stacy's coloring way too green and mom more confused than when I left on the 28th. Stacy's BP is now way too low! It's time that we seek some answers to mom's confusion and building anger.

Yesterday I ran errands to re-stock the refrigerator and cupboards and today I'm trying to organize things so that I can start on some projects and gear myself up for dialysis duty tomorrow. Mom thought that it was Sat. and not Thur. so she got up early and took her laundry to the laundry room in her apartment building only to discover that she was two days early! She rarely tells me that she needs time off from going to the clinic but in this case it's a relief that she knows that she's not up to. We talked about making an appointment to see our
internist, but will she do it? She's terrified of finding out what may be wrong with her memory and confused state, but it's time to find out.

Baby News!

Matthew Owen arrived today before I was able to make my planned trip and his mother's scheduled c-section for next Wed! Huge sighs of relief were heard throughout our family as we welcome this new baby into the world! After the loss two years ago none of us were calm during what seemed like a very long pregnancy! Thank you!

Life is fragile

Last night I woke up and had a "knowing flash" so sent prayers to Jean that her passing would be an easy one. Today Mom called from the dialysis clinic to say that Jean had passed yesterday afternoon, 8 days after stopping treatment! She was at home with her family just like she wanted.

Stacy has been having a lot of melt-downs since last Thursday when she felt so crummy that she thought she was either going to die or faint, I didn't care of any of the options! So, today's news about Jean has hit me hard! It's one thing knowing that dialysis is a form of life-support, but knowing how fast one can die without treatment is almost more than I can deal with.

Jean Update

We heard yesterday that Jean entered hospice in the morning . . .

Goodbye Jean

Salinas Valley - from a moving car.
I will forever think of the Salinas Valley when I think about Jean who has shared the same dialysis days, MWF, as Stacy has for the last 5 years. Jean made a decision last week to stop treatment because she's too ill and has been going downhill fast for the last few months. Jean wanted one more Christmas with her family and to be able to say goodbye to friends and family. Mom took Stacy to the clinic on Monday and Jean told Mom about her plans and Mom and I shed some tears when I got back from a drive to Salinas. Today, Wed., Jean wasn't at the clinic so it appears that her husband is honoring her wishes. I'm positive that it wasn't an easy decision but once she discovered last week that she now has bladder cancer she decided not to pursue any further treatment. The quality of her life hasn't been good and that is what her husband finally understood and shared with me last week.

We're watching another courageous woman try to stay alive for her daughter who is 14. Chaylce wants desperately to see her precious daughter graduate from High School, but Chaylce has been in ICU too many times during the last few months and is there once again . . .

Courtesy

Courtesy - such a simple word and yet most people find it very difficult to extend such a considerate thing!! Is it too much to ask when one is kept waiting to be informed of the reason why? I don't think so.

Yesterday's saga could have been made easier with a simple explanation. "The dialysis machines ran into a trouble with the mixture of acid and water and many of them shut down. And because of that we had to take quite a number of patients off of the machines until there was an assessment and a solution could be determined. And now that we have them running again we're in the process of putting the patients back on so we're running about an hour behind."

How hard was that?! No information was given to any us as we sat in the waiting room wondering why the machines weren't ready! That's all the any of the techs would say or, "It's been an awful morning so you'll just have to accept it that you have to wait!" Nice way of putting it!

It wasn't until Stacy was put on an hour and fifteen minutes beyond her scheduled time that the office manager, who is also an R.N., took the time to tell us that someone had screwed up and hadn't mixed the tanks right and when machines began to stop a few at a time the R.N's and techs had to run around and take patients off which is very involved and can take up to 20 minutes per patient depending on whether they're a needle or catheter patient. Plus, the blood has to be returned to each patient first. It can take 5-10 minutes to reset and prime each machine but seeing how the mixture had to be done individually for each machine because the tank was messed up in some cases that procedure took even longer.

I can't imagine how awful it was for the needle patients to be re-stuck again on the same day! Stacy is a catheter patient and happily only R.N.'s can do catheters, techs do the needles and they often receive very little training before they start sticking people! There are a few patients who refuse to have any tech stick them with the two needles required for dialysis 3 times a week.

At least Stacy's BP has finally come down! It was in the "stressfully high" range for weeks! So, more diet changes! As if taking away most foods with potassium and all dairy wasn't enough she now is on a practically salt-free diet as well! I need salt to keep my BP up so I'm cooking two batches of most things. And to think that I used to love to cook!

Mom still has bronchitis and the effects of the antibiotic aren't helping matters. She needed a few things over the weekend so Stacy and I went over on Sunday to do what we could for her. The word of the day was "weak." If I didn't hang onto her she would have ended up on the floor of the pharmacy! The only thing to do was to leave her in the car with Stacy while I did the rest of the shopping. Mom sounded better yesterday, but today she seems to be just as ill as she's been for the last two weeks.

I've been emailed an e-ticket for the 31st so that I'll be at my daughter's house when she has her scheduled c-section on Feb. 1st. Hopefully the baby won't arrive sooner than that and I'll be able to leave Mom and Stacy for 10 days to be with my amazing daughter, SIL and Jack! I will be in dire need a long vacation by the end of Feb!!!!!!

I bought a new suitcase on Sunday! I saw it in Mervyn's while I was searching for a small pot and had to have it! Mine is okay and has been to Europe and back twice and on trips to my daughter's house, so I don't know why I felt so compelled to buy a larger one! It was half off and unzips and rolls with more finesse than my old does. I didn't find a small pot with a lid so that search is still on! Now that I'm cooking smaller batches of rice and pasta without salt I need a second pot.

Tree of Life

Tree of Life - rather than hauling out the decorations I chose to create a simple symbol of Christmas. Twigs were cut from the dormant tree in the front yard and wrapped with clear lights. I like it so much that it's now become a permanent fixture in a some-what dark corner in the living room.

It's been quite awhile since I've posted a new entry here. The season between Thanksgiving and Christmas threatened to bring me down and I nearly did cave! It's only a few days into the "New Year" and I find that I'm reluctant to wish anyone a happy new year. New year? The days seems to always present the same kind of circumstances as the previous ones so how can one put an end to something one day and a mere few hours later assume that there will magically be a shift and everything will suddenly be different. That doesn't make sense. I've tried it and it doesn't work! It makes more sense to believe that my life is what it is and do the best that I can with each day. A new beginning can start at any time not just when a date on the calendar changes.

A "friend" recently informed me that I always seem to talk about the negative things in my life, or that everything seems to be negative. I was taken aback! I report or observe what happens in my life and yes I do talk about the events, but as I just mentioned, my life is what it is and how can I be glowing and joyful when nothing of that sort happens? Of course there are happy moments and great things that happen and I talk about those as well. I'm always amazed, well actually shocked, over how many health issues continue to plague my family. They are what they are and you either accept the bad and rocky things that happen and continue to put one foot in front of the other or you allow them to make your life so miserable that you end up in a depressed state. There are many days of frustration but I've never been depressed or given up on life. Yes, I often wake up in the middle of night so much in pain that I curse! But I think that cursing is a way of fighing back.

Christmas was a bit strange this year. My daughter, SIL and grandson usually come here but this year my daughter is very pregnant so we made plans to drive to Redondo Beach which is about 7 hours from here. I haven't driven that far in years and being that Mom is no longer up to driving distances the pressure built! There was word about colds in my daughter's house and that should have been the sign I paid attention to, but not wanting to let everyone down I preserved. The morning of Dec. 22 was bleak with rain threatening to deluge us like it had the night before. We started out at 9:30 and made it to the first rest area about 2.5 hours later without incident. Right after that stop dense fog surrounded us just as we were beginning the part of Hwy. 101 that I've always hated ever since I saw a car spin out of control and nearly go over the cliff during a heavy rain! Everyone drives that steep climb and descent too fast! The fog prevented that from happening which might have been a good thing. I had been worried about rain so my prayers had been about that when they should have been about clear skies! The fog didn't let up for the rest of the trip, but at least it wasn't as dense as it was over that incline.

I phoned my daughter when we got onto the 405 which is about 20 minutes to her house but we didn't pull into the drive-way for 2 hours! How anyone stays sane in that kind of evening traffic is beyond me. Mom took Stacy to the dialysis clinic the next day, Friday, and we all took naps. I was proud of the fact that I had made the drive, but on that day I couldn't see how it was possible for me to get us home! Exhaustion and pain were running around a 9 on the scale from 1-10! Christmas Eve day was interesting. My daughter started out the day with a visit to the hospital because the bed was wet in the morning and after losing a baby in her 8th month 2 years ago none of us are calm. She was having constractions, which was a suprise to her, and I've never prayed so hard for pee in my life! My prayers were answered! It wasn't amniotic fluid but yes her coughing had probably been the cause of the pee . . . She was giving a shot to stop the contractions and thankfully it worked! The baby isn't due until Feb. 14th.

We all took naps again, that is everyone except my SIL who was in charge of dinner and putting together a a battery operated Jeep from Santa Claus. I don't think that any of us were really awake that evening when we opened gifts and ate a fabulous brisket dinner which could have been why Mom, Stacy and I turned in at 8:30. Though, I knew that I wasn't feeling well and as it turned out neither was Mom.

We left at 9:30 Christmas morning, Sunday, and I got us home under 6 hours! Mom was pretty much a slug and Stacy slept most of the way home. Stacy was worn out from playing with Jack who was 4 yesterday! I can not believe that I have a 4-year-old grandson! The rain started about 45 minutes from home and stopped when we got home only to start about an hour later and continue on through the night and into the next day. I guess that my prayers about no rain for the trip were mostly answered.

Monday morning I knew that I would be taking Stacy to the dialysis clinic because Mom had looked and sounded awful the night before. I was right! Yesterday I finally convinced Mom to go to the doctor and after a week of coughing nearly non-stop she finally agreed. Bronchitis was the verdict when she had assumed that she must have pneumonia. And so the "New Year" has begun on the same note it ended. Worrying about Stacy's high BP, Mom's cough, taking care of my cold, yep, I did end up with a cold which is unusual for me as I rarely get anything that my body hasn't manufactured on its own, and hoping that my daughter doesn't go into labor until I can get down there again!