What is that?

Today seems to be a day full of questions like, "What is that? And where did it come from?" and, "I can't find anything."

I had planned to take Stacy and mom to the lab for their blood tests but from the second I saw mom wobbling into the kitchen this morning looking blank and confused I knew that it wasn't a good day to take her anywhere.

Innocently I asked, "Did you see the blooms on the hibiscus?" I had moved two plants still in their black pots waiting to be planted into the yard onto a small table on the patio directly in front of the dining room window. It took her awhile to see the blooms which worried me that her vision is worse than I thought it was. "What kind of plant is that? You must have bought it yesterday."

Perhaps the best thing would have been to say that it was a new plant, but just to continue the conversation I said that we'd had 4 hibiscus plants since November, but that they bloomed last night so that's probably why they looked different.

"I don't remember them at all. But then I don't remember anything anyway."

"I moved two pots from the corner and put them on the table so that we could enjoy the flowers."

"Well don't move things around, that confuses me." This from someone who moves things around in her room a couple of times a day . . .

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Mom pulled open drawers and opened cabinets before finally asking, "Where do you keep the bread? I can't remember."

The bread is on the counter in a stainless steel bread-keeper. "Is that new?" Nope, it's been there for months now. "Figures, nothing looks right today and I feel yucky. I must have had a stroke last night."

Lately, she believes that she's having small strokes and that's why her memory is off or why she feels awful. The doctor told me that there isn't any sign of strokes but that mom seems to need an excuse for feeling the way she does.

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Just before lunch she burst into the front door. "Come and see the odd birds on the roof next door."

I had a feeling that the birds might be pigeons that I'd seen earlier on the roof of the house behind us. Yep, good old ordinary grey pigeons.

Mom was excited about the birds. "They're not crows but I don't think I've seen that kind of bird before."

How does one not tell one's mother that they birds were like a few million she's seen over the years along with the fact that we had a flock of pigeons when I was a kid?

"They do seem out of place here, maybe that's why they don't look familiar," I offered.

"Well they're certainly not crows."

We haven't seen a lot of crows since moving here, but it seems that if a bird isn't a crow then she has no idea what it is.

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When mom charges into my room I know things aren't going to turn out well. "My tray isn't under my bed. What's happened to it?"

Without thinking again I asked, "You mean the trays we gave away?" She absolutely did not want two rattan trays anymore, so I donated them.

"Who did I give a tray to and why? I need it?!!?"

Fortunately, there was a bed tray in the laundry room that seemed to be the kind she was looking for. "How did it get there? I'm positive that it was under my bed."

Oh boy! There hasn't been a tray under her bed ever! But if she can't find anything that's where she believes that the items should be.

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A few minutes ago mom came into my room, "Come and look at the beautiful red blooms on the hibiscus!"

"Aren't they outstanding," I said.

"I'm so glad that you chose red ones, they're gorgeous. And did you see the new bloom on the gardenia by my door? Course, you know that since my stroke I can't smell it? I lost my sense of smell and taste sometime last year when I had that stroke."

I'm beginning to think that she did have a stroke, it seems so real to her. How does one stay sane while living with someone who has Alzheimer's? My memory is sketchy at times with large gaps in it, but I know that to be part of the FM, or is it? Am I also disappearing into a place that no one will be able to reach? I don't think so; I do think that I don't wish to remember certain events or days in my life. Selective memory might be a way of dealing with life.

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I rediscovered flip-flops a couple of days ago. Odd type of sandal to wear around, if you really think about it. There is a punishing pain between two toes while breaking them in and then there is the precise stepping one does while trying to keep the darn things on! But, they're the best thing to put on when going outside for a few minutes to photograph, that is if you don't happen to trip all over your feet. The cats are amused by the fancy foot-work I seem to perform for their amusement. When I kick the flip-flops off they give them a sniff test and then chew on them. Maybe they should be sold as a cat toys?

My goal for photographing the hibiscus was to give it an appearance of a still-life. Not easy to pull off while the plant is still in a pot. But by laying it on its side on the concrete I was able to get a few interesting shots. Who knew that grey concrete could make an interesting background? When the breeze stops I'll try some more angles; at least I think it's worth playing around with. The breeze isn't cooling off the 92 degree temperature!

Mom's courtyard

Photo on the left: the entrance to mom's casita is on the right and the windows on the left are Stacy's bedroom. There was a cement slab and nothing but dirt when we moved in. Seven car trunk fulls of brick later mom now has a private sitting area. Two privets are planted in front of the AC unit and hopefully there will soon be a climbing rose on the brick wall.

On Sunday I finished the brick work near the front door and planted ornamental grasses in the small patches of soil between 3 pots of bamboo. The entrance finally looks welcoming. I brought the bamboo with me from Pacific Grove.

Mom had a day of confusion and anger yesterday that left me exhausted and in tears. I can't even imagine what it must be like to not know what day it is or how to do things she used to do without even thinking about them, but after spending the entire weekend being very attentive to her only to be told that I ignore her like she doesn't matter . . .

Today's topic was the fact that her driver's license is still good for 3 more years so why wasn't I allowing her to drive. She thought it had expired. Her abilities to make quick decisions no longer exist but that's something she's not aware of. Touchy situation. Mom was always an excellent driver and is proud of that fact. Must be hard to suddenly not drive. I've gone through months at a time when I didn't drive. Fibromyalgia has forced me to stay home and not get behind the wheel of a car for long periods of time. Brain fog is an FM symptom. Mom thought nothing of driving me everywhere when I couldn't, so when I said that it was her turn to be taken care of . . . well, it didn't go over very well just like it hasn't the couple of dozen times she's already broached the driving topic.

Mom's hair grows like it's been fertilized so today we made our monthly trip to get it cut. Then to the used book store; she had informed me yesterday that I no longer take her there. Then to the water district office to pick up a book on how to garden in the desert. Once back home a migraine struck me down! Must be something in the air or stress, whatever, the pain is bad enough to keep from working on postcards I need to get done.

It's occurred to me that Alzheimer's is like replaying the same script over and over. Mom asks the same questions over and over and I supply the same answers I've given before. I wouldn't make a good actress, I don't have the patience to repeat something over and over. A couple of times is enough.

Pergola!

I woke to the sounds of tools being plunked down in the backyard. I had hoped last Thursday when the pieces were delivered that today, Monday, would be the day the pergola was constructed; it's fabulous when things work out. The roof has already made a huge difference in my bedroom/studio in that the lighting is softer and the room is cooler now that the sun doesn't beat against the picture window. I plan to put a brick floor on the dirt. Just under the patio roof on the left is the door to my bedroom. Now if I can just figure out how to camouflage the AC unit.

We got word today that our landscape plans have passed the HOA review committee! The 3 citrus trees can finally be planted once the irrigation is done. My daughter and SIL have taken the boys on a Disney cruise until next Sunday otherwise they'd be out here this weekend preparing for the landscape marathon scheduled to happen in the next month or so. It will take a marathon to get the yard done before the 5 months of intense heat commence.

Amazing!

What an amazing cloud formation! It was if Mother Nature was blowing the clouds across the sky! I cropped the roof tops out of the photo but left a smidgen of the mountains visible. The problem with photographing from my backyard is that the roofs of the houses are in evidence, something I can do without.

It's been nearly a year since I posted on this blog! I have tried to keep from blathering on about the health issues on the Expression Studio blog, but they're starting to creep in. So, perhaps I should start up this blog again. Life has changed a lot in the last year! We moved from the Monterey Peninsula to the desert in southern Calif. I can't seem to get my bearings and lately I find that I'm in such a major funk that having a cold is a relief! I don't have to do anything if I'm ill! I've often thought that I keep busy creating small works of art, gardening, running errands etc in order to face my life and when things slow down life smacks me in the face! It's not that I'm terribly unhappy living here, after all I have a new house!, but I don't think I would have chosen to live here given the opportunity to slowly make the decision. The price was right, the location fairly close to my daughter and SIL and two fabulous grandsons, that is if one considers a 2.5 hour drive on freeways close! The dry climate seems to be better for the fibromyalgia, and mom is able to live with us a little longer! But I've never felt so alone nor have I had to take care of so many things like finding doctors and making financial decisions on my own! I want to bury myself in a cocoon of self-pity and cry until there aren't any tears left, but I don't have that luxury! Mom, diagnosed in November with Alzheimer's, asks the same thing over and over and can't keep straight what day it is and when we discovered on Tuesday that her doctor had passed away over the weekend she stewed and fretted so much that it took all of my strength to not shout, "I'll take care of finding another doctor, like I take care of everything else!" Mom couldn't figure out what to do and repeated, "so what do I do now? Who is going to find another doctor for me?" and on and on. Mom's prescriptions were waiting to be renewed at the pharmacy so it was paramount that I find a doctor! All of the referral lists I researched pointed in the same direction as they had when I was looking for an internist for Stacy. Fortunately the office manager at Dr. D's office understood immediately that I needed to have an appointment for mom at the same time Stacy has with him next Thursday. The delicate situation of telling Dr. D. about mom's condition is going to be tricky. I can't blame for not wanting to admit to having Alzheimer's when the prognosis is so crappy, so I wish it was already the day after the appointment! The pharmacist took care of having the prescriptions renewed when I was able to say that mom had an appointment with a new doctor. So, now mom has stopped fretting and has moved on to, or back to, wanting to know why no one has come out to give us a bid for a front gate.

Mom has paranoia which seems to be one factor of Alzheimer's and constantly believes that someone enters her room to rearrange her things. She misplaced her jewelry box and wallet so often when we first moved here that it nearly drove us both nuts. She wanted to call the police but I felt that certain that no one had been in her tidy room! Nothing was out of place and if anything mom is now tidier than she ever was. The Virgo in her seems to be the driving force behind the daily rearranging of objects that she has no memory of doing. At least for the last two months she leaves her wallet in her purse and found a place under her night stand for her jewelry box. She didn't feel that either was safe so kept moving them around. The last time I located her jewelry box she had placed it in a drawer along side paper-back books thinking that no one would notice it there. She was right! At first glance I didn't see it either. Her jewelry is only worth something to her and of no market value, but the thought of losing it was more than she could stand.
Back to the gate. It's her belief that she'll feel safe if there is a gate at the entrance and maybe it will help. The casita is separate from the house but the entrance to it faces Stacy's bedroom and we thought that would help make her secure. In hindsight we should probably have opted for a 3 bedroom house rather than a two and a separate casitia, but after years of mom saying that she wanted a guest house if we were to move . . . The bedrooms in the houses in the complex are guest size being that this is an over 55 + complex, so a bedroom would have been rather small for her things. Stacy fits fine in the front "guest room" and the master bedroom and bath is perfect for my studio/office/bedroom space. The walk-in closet became storage space for my art supplies and the small closet, that is probably the one men end up with, is almost large enough for my pitiful wardrobe! And I have the luxury of an over-sized garage to store more supplies along with being able to work in! There is a sink in the garage and my SIL bought and set-up lots of cabinets and shelves on 3 sides of the garage and then went into shock when I immediately filled them! I hadn't had a garage in over 30 years so where in the world had I stored everything?! I have no idea seeing how the house I moved from only had one bedrooom plus a small office size room where my art supplies resided. On our walks around the complex I marvel when I see people's garages that are nearly empty; what boring lives they must lead!!

I just caught the end of "Love Actually" on USA! I've been searching for the DVD for weeks and then I miss it on TV! I have no idea why, but the film gives me great comfort. Happily "Notting Hill" followed "Love Actually" which I find to be another comforting film. Stacy watches "Full House" DVD's over and over at the dialysis clinic on her personal DVD player because they are comforting to her. It's odd to me, being that I'm a huge fan of reading mysteries, that films like "Love Actually" are at the top of my favorites list.

4 Luck!

4 Luck! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The background on this ATC has more layers than I usually paint. I wanted texture amongst the shades of green and I think I achieved that! The clover is aluminum painted green and punched out. The "4" is my favorite-rubber-stamp-of-moment number set! Can't remember where I purchased it; online somewhere.

Finally, something good happened! After numerous phone calls and jumping through hoops I was able to get my prescription yesterday without a hefty price tag attached to it! I feel like I won the lottery!

We so seldom see snow on the Monterey Peninsula that the dusting of it on the hills is enough to almost make living where it snows desirable. "Almost" being the operative word because the cold temps that we're having lately is probably the culprit of the awful pain and fibro flare-up that I can't seem to get out from under! Though, I've been in a creative frenzy that came to a halt Sunday night when I cleaned up the projects and readied ATC's and journals for mailing. Yesterday was a day full of errands, so many of them that by the time I got home I was in tears! After dinner I was too exhausted to read or sleep and of course TV had the usual unbelievably awful offerings! Nothing on HBO either! I'm not much better today so it's a good thing that the only thing on the calender is waiting for a Sears repair person to arrive. The ice-maker is on the fritz which has happened before after I've changed the water filter. There seems to always be something that requires attending.

Shucks! The hospital caught up with Stacy's billing for the meals I had during a few of her hospitalizations last year. $63 worth of them. Guess a $9 dinner isn't too bad seeing how the statement was for $48,000 and that isn't even for all of the months. Her bills run around $150,000 a year! Thank God for Ins.!!!! End Stage Renal Failure is one of the more expensive health issues . . .

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From Susan Cantrell's site upon receiving a rejection: "Then I took my introspection, or Mental Pause ™ if you will, a little further: I am a very private person. If I gave you my phone number it was probably for one time use, after which I want you to shred it. I revile intrusions into my inner sanctum. So imagine a celebrity and how they might feel. Also, they are entitled to bad hair days."

I pretty much feel the same way and find that most days I have a hard time with intrusions. But today when a former neighbor dropped by for a few minutes I was absolutely thrilled! She now lives in WA and lost her husband in August. She had her new friend with her and was showing him her old stomping ground. I did have a bit of prior notice that she'd be in the area and I "hinted" that Tuesday would be good day. I had the house fairly well picked up and even put on makeup! She practically always walks in with gifts and today was no exception. Stacy now has an adorable stuffed bunny for her collection and I have a turtle with a brush on his back that scraps mud off the bottom of shoes! Very cool!